From warmth, flexibility, pink, or grey skin the sparkle is no more, expression painted on or not... there is no more. Memories tacked on a bulletin board to observe, but yet glancing over to me wow, hum... not the same. I am no longer in the room, I am gone. I see you, but you do not see "me". My time is elsewhere... waiting out there somewhere... Do I understand? Well, yes. Now I will know if dying hurts or not, was it easy or hard. My body will be carried out that is for sure... I am only human.
As I watched my father in ICU he so frail (huge in life) hooked up to tubes, wires, wires, tubes, machines running, making sounds and hums I will never forget... I know he is not going to die I think to myself; my family all there with that hope also. Dr's talked as if he had a good chance. See, as a child, teenager, wife, mother, widow, new bride I feared my father. Therefore he could not die, no not yet. He still needed to be my daddy, dad; my father... where we could get together void of all that tension. Yes, I loved my dad, he loved me... he coded 3 nights in a row before he Really Really (in disbelief) did die. I wanted that chance to be his daughter, that chance for him to be my father. Too late... Please no...
My life if it should end now? I will have been blessed. Even as I sit here thinking about... "I am going to die"... one day I would be ok with it, what choice do I have. I do know my life thus far has been a short one; (I am 51). I say this so for sure because every time I learn something new I think to myself wow I will carry this new knowledge with me and apply it. I know I do not want to die now, but with the newness of everything I learn; I trick myself into thinking I've just started living... yes I still say if I should die tonight I will have been blessed with what ALL has been offered to me.
I picture me having that hope to not have those fears and to allow myself to let go. To have the "courage to" not fight death as I imagine me right now, if it should die.