Journal Entry 155

I try not to imagine what happens to me after I die. I do, however, imagine what happens to those I have loved I see my grandmother sitting in light, my grandfather in dark, Gudrun smiling, hair done, lipstick on. Mother just there, waiting.

When my cat Figaro was dying, I said to him “Don’t get lost in the universe. Come back for me.” I would like him there when I go, and I imagine Mother and Gudrun will be too. I’ll meet up with my grandparents later.

Maybe we’ll all meet at the cottage with the other ghosts who live there. We come back i the spring and are their guests. I imagine they live there in Winter, the sun low on the lake, the cottage smells. They make dinner there, smoke, play games at the table. They lay low when we get there in the spring. They are hospitable, concerned, non-interfering. We’ll join them sooner or later, they know that and don’t fret at how long that will take. Granny visits, and Grif and Scott, Martha and John. Figaro catches ghost mice who don’t mind it at all.

Larry will be going there soon, and waiting for Susan in back of the red tree in the cemetery.

When my grandmother died, I was sitting in the room with Susan. We were talking, then I noticed Grandma’s breathing change. I looked at Susan and sid, “she’s going.” We went to her had, we held her hands. She had been spouting gibberish earlier in the evening. My father became afraid. told the nurse at the NH he wanted an ambulance called. My grandmother had colon cancer, had dropped 150 #’s. The nurse knew what the transfer would entail, how uncomfortable my grandmother would be in CPR, how unnecessary that would be. She said to my father, no, don’t do that, like a quiet prayer and I said, let’s stay here and he got it. He took my mother and Auntie Mary, Pat and Tomina, Grandma’s sister, out to dinner. Susan and I were alone when she started to change from living to dead. My mother who had been drinking, started keening loudly, “oh lord, have mercy on this miserable sinner.” My father held his mother’s feet. I put my anger at my mother on the back burner, and watched my grandmother breath in, breath out. Then just stopped in time. Oh, she’s died, I thought. How easy that looked. How unafraid she has made me. She taught me something else.

I can’t say I’ve been afraid of dying since then. It was just another thing that she taught me how to do like sing to my children and bake Irish soda bread. Tell a good story. Laugh real loud, gossip with dedication. Be sly, figure a way around a problem, use your head. Be comfortable lying if you have to.

Journal Entry 158

You do not feel a physical dimension to yourself but a presence with another person. Yo try to stay connected to those individuals you are closest to (when you are alive). I’m not sure how long this connection lasts or what happens if and when the connection stops. I don’t think that it necessarily goes on forever. Perhaps that connection transforms into something that gets absorbed by others who are still living. I am also not sure what determines how long the person who has died remains present. Some people who have died have an ability to send messages to those living. This happens near the time of death. Perhaps those who receive the message are ones who are receptive to receiving it.

I have experienced the death of my father who was very close to me. I’m not sure what typed of a death he had as he was not responsive for the last 2 days. HE seemed to be afraid and so we never left his side. He probably did not want to die. I don’t think he was ready because he always fought back with any life threatening condition he had and he did not want them to die. He was a great dad. My sister was especially close to him. We tried to do what was best but were not sure what that was as we received no guidance from the nurses or physicians. I still wonder if we did the right thing for him but now think that we did what we thought was best. And that was to sit by him continuously, holding his hand. When he finally died, it was so hard to believe that he was hone. We just held him and waited for a long time until we told the nurse. Then it seemed like he was gone and the body (his body) was no longer the place where he was. He seemed to be somewhere else and I did not have to be with his body to be with him. In fact, at the wake, I did not connect his body with the person he was. It was like just a symbol of him, but not really him so the wake was not difficult at all. Rather, what reminded me of him was, for example, music that we played. That brought tears to my eyes and made me realize how much I missed him. I can now write this and smile but for the first 5-7 years or so, it would have made me cry.

Journal Entry 159

I have always believed that those or my loved ones who have gone on before me are waiting for me. I don’t know where this place is but I believe it is a destination to a type of terminal where I will remain with my loved ones until judgment day. I think that while I am in this terminal I am allowed to have a life review. This life review provides me with an opportunity to reflect on how I could have done things differently in my life. This review gives me an opportunity to consider the next journey I will take. I often think that the journey is just the beginning but it is the destination that is already written. I think that my death will take me to whatever destination has been predetermined by God or whatever supreme being or higher power. I think that all the pain and suffering I have experienced in life is revealed to me and the why behind it is also made clear to me. I believe that it is only the beginning and that the end is unknown. I also think that there is a vast wilderness through which one travels because life is a journey and that there are certain aspects of a journey must take after death. Life and death are cyclical and one is a mirror reflection of the other. Sometimes this reflection is positive and sometimes it is negative but it is a given and must have an opportunity to to reveal itself as it was meant to be. As one wise man says Death is only the beginning. What that beginning is at best unknown and unfinished.

The death of my mother was sudden and unexpected. One evening while snapping beans with two of my sisters, my mom had what is known as TIA. She was taken to a community hospital where she later had a stroke. It was very difficult to see my mother’s body ravaged by a stroke because I always viewed her as a very strong and commanding individual. Two days prior to my mother’s discharge from the hospital, she died. None of us could accept what happened because when we arrived at the hospital to view my mom’s body it appeared as if she was sleeping. The staff had prepared a body well there were no signs of any tubes, body fluids or other hospital items. My family is baptist and felt very comforted by the chaplain who was available. He was of the catholic faith but he knew what to say and how to say it. Because he provided me with strength, it was easiest for me to provide my sisters with support as they arrived. The most memorable part of the whole experience was the old adage that as one soul dies another is born. The day that my mom died was also the day that my sister gave birth to my niece. This was a time of joy and pain. So as I stated earlier in the day there can be no love without loss and no loss without love. This experience of my mom’s death occurred at such a young age which further emphasized to me that we should enjoy each day given to us because we are not promised a tomorrow. My mom’s death is always with me, during times of stress and sadness I wish that I could reach out to her but I do feel that she is always with me looking over me and says it will be okay. I often hear her voice saying it will be okay. My mom’s death was the most trouble to experience in my life. I did not truly realize how much I loved her until she was gone.

Journal Entry 171

1.

No matter what it is peaceful...

Despite how one may die.

Death can be a relief

It should not be feared of,

There is no pain when you are dead

I believe and hope this life is short in

comparison of death and life after

Death.

I believe life exists because of death,

They are coexisting

Everything in life prepares one for death,

every bit of life gets one closer to death,

It’s ok.

I do believe people go different ways

when they die, there are the ones that

go to “Heaven”, the ones who got to “Hell”

and the ones who are “lost”.

Who knows, all three places could be fun.

It’s a time of reflection, to look back and

see what life meant, was it worth it? why?

What did one do for the meaning of life?

How did one affect life, the world?

Was there a reason, even if small, to live?

Will I be able to communicate w/people full of life?

I am separate from the living? Will I still be recognized?

For how long?:

Or maybe none of this will matter to me.

When are you considered dead?

2.

When is one considered Dead?

Is it merely a physical term or more than that.

I’d like to believe Death is a broader term,

One is dead, or should I say a body is dead

When the body is hollow and lifeless

How does it get hollow?

Are some people more hollow than others?

in a sense I think so.

I’ve experienced many deaths of all definitions

Many aquaintences w/people I’ve noticed

they could be dead, no life, no spirit left in them

for whatever reasons

Friends, family members looking fabulous

on the outside, but decaying away inside...

Lifeless...

The greatest goal in life is to remain full of life until

your death, rather than face physical death being lifeless,

spiritless.

This way of dying is the true fear for myself.

Numerous deaths by cancer,

I’ve accepted that it is reality for me

Death by suicidal shooting,

Death by not waking up,

Death by the body randomly giving up,

Death by disease,

Death by old age,

Death by accident,

Death by bombing,

Death by plane crash,

Which way is the best way?

I don’t think it matters one bit.

No worries, life goes on after death.

3.

Life , every bit of it, is a reminder of Death.

Death is a reminder of life.

To answer this question would be to write down

my whole life experience so far. Every deciesion in life is contributed to

your death.

Being happy and fulfilled to the end is

how I try to look at life, but all of the decisions

along the way can be be distracting .

Death gives everyone a reason to live, and to live

contently , but it should’t be a selfish thing like some may say to you.

Question, why you are living?

Despite the technicalites one who is alive,

is living and there is a reason for that life.

If that were not so, Life would be pointless, an done who thins that is missing out on life.

4.

Hope to be happy, or hope to have been happy,

Hope to have experienced as much as possible

good or bad

Hope to be fulfilled, whatever that means

it’s different for each person

Hope to be loved or to have loved as much as possible

Hope to be rememered often.

Hope to leave a dent somewhere in this life w/someone or something

I fear I will not be comfortable w/ the fact of

unknowing death an dwhat it brings.

Other than that, I’m not afraid of death or

What it brings, but fearful of how I might die.

Journal Entry 205

I believe that actually dying may be similar to the many near death experiences that are documented. I believe for myself that my spirit will leave my body with my last breath. I think and hope I will be able to feel the love of my family that is still alive yet be surrounded by the love of those I anxiously await to be reunited with. ONce I read in a book that I was reading to help me cope with my father’s death that “the soul lives where it loved.” that line has stayed with me and I believe that my soul/spirit will live with those I love who may be alive and deceased. I imagine being the wind blowing through my daughter’s hair.

I have experienced the deaths of several close family members all at home with hospice care. The first and probably the one that had the greatest impact on me was that of my father. He had always been a stout, happy, easy going man. As he approached death he had withered so much although his barrel chested frame still remained. His face was drawn and complexion gray. As he exhaled for the last time it was a long drawn out breath. You could almost tell that it was the last molecule of oxygen leaving his body. His physical appearance began to change immediately, his mouth gaping open. My mother continued to attempt to get him to breath by opening and closing his mouth with her hands and instructing him to breath. I felt his spirit in the room and really saw his body as an empty shell. In my mind and heart I knew that he was no longer with his physical shell. He was free.

When I cared for my father-in-law in his home and hospice, he had throat caner, he had a tracheotomy and a feeding tube. He didn’t want either one. When he took his last breath it almost appeared to me that as he exhaled his spirit left his body. He too transformed before my eyes. Yet this transformation was very obvious that besides his spirit leaving, all the physical pain left also. He was at peace totally.

Journal Entry 697

1.

I imagine there will be a passage process where the density of my body, perhaps unprocessed emotions, habituated thought processes and forms will, in effect, untangle, disravel or somehow be known by my conscious being. I imagine there will be a revelatory process where I will see and 'fee' where I have been and where I am now. I imagine my death will be a perfect expression of where I need to be at that moment. I imagine there will be familiarity there.

2.

I experienced my father's death. As he hovered in between worlds, he responded to his sisters and my communications. I felt to guide him to leave his body and meet those awaiting him would help him let go. I talked to him with the love I felt but with the humor he understood. And, even though he was not 'primarily' conscious his responses let me know he was aware of what was going on. After his final breathe I sat with him and looked at his fully nude body, at every aspect of his body - the man I had so much pain and trouble with yet the father I loved deeply. I left his hospital room and went into the bathroom in the hallway. Then I broke down and weeped for him, for all I yearned for, all I needed, for all the pain. An illumination came into the room, a sense of calm and compassion and I literally felt a hand on my right shoulder. A peace settled over me. Somewhere in that touch I felt my dad. There have been other occasions where I have discerned his 'message' to me.

My own death has come in pictures. I felt as if I was walking and sleeping with death before. I believe death is ever our companion but it's closeness signals a possibility of occurrence. I get the impression I may die in an accident. If I die slowly I would like to make it a conscious affair, a sacred time. If I am adventuresome enough I may choose a very 'untraditional' death. In writing this I feel a great respect for death. Perhaps I can befriend DEATH and dance with it.

3.

It puts a limit to time and space and movement as I know it. If I wait until tomorrow perhaps it will not be. More focus on the fullness of now. NOW - what potential have I not explored? Yet mastership requires the patience and endurance of time which then speaks to me about an eternality to life, that death is not the end. I feel that being born has a purpose inherent within the awareness of being a conscious completely imbued creative character. Death has to be an integral part of Birth. Perhaps the door we enter through is similar to the door we exit from. When I feel out the possibilities of death I 'fear' I may not fulfill the purpose of my birth. I see and feel my body take shape based on how I have dealt with the challenges of my daily life. I want to express my aging gracefully. I want to face my death courageously. I want to do it willingly. I hope I can become more conscious in the process of my dieing.

4.

My greatest hope is that I will be free to die as I choose. I hope I am unencumbered with the medical model of death and our current cultural model of 'the embalming' and funeral process. I hope where I go I do not leave any complicated mess for my relatives or friends to care for. I hope I can make the change now, the engagement in LIFE more intensely; the engagement of DEATH and 'letting go' more fully to create a death that is a celebration, a touching revelation to those I have known. In saying this, my greatest fears are that I will die a mediocre death, mired in pain, loss of control and with affairs unattended to. This will reveal the 'less than perfect' aspects of myself I try to hide but are now committed to face. To face the 'less than perfect' or 'less than loving' aspects of myself and life or to me facing my death. I hope to die to the unresolved, the deeply hurt, the one who feels unworthy of love; I hope to face these fears, these harsh ugly terrible ogres and release them with mercy and awareness. This to me is facing my death. This is the dance.

Journal Entry 696

1.

I imagine that I will be greeted by jesus and all of my loved ones who have already passed away. We will live in heaven floating on clouds watching our other loved one who have not yet passed, in their times of need being close o their hearts as I know my loved ones have done for me as I live. I will be a angel for others that need someone if in the case they don't have anyone they know who has passed away yet. Jesus we talk to me about how he viewed my life and how to be a great angel for others. I will speak with my loved ones that I have missed and grieve for the ones I won't be able to directly communicate with until they also come to heaven.

2.

My niece as well as both my grandpas have passed away. My niece has affected me the most even though I didn't see her often. I loved her and now she is my angel she gives me signs to know she is watching me. I love her for that. She was only two year old such a short life but she had a impact on so many people in my family and others. I regret so few times I spent with her. But every time I see a ladybug or a light flash went no one touched it I know she is there.

*miss you Molly*

Also I feel I have experienced my own death through my use of drugs and to this day I thank god for letting me be reborn. I look at life differently and in knowing that my life could have ended makes me enjoy life more.

My nephew also was close to death when he was born and every chance I get I go see him and look in his big eyes and thank god for giving me this gift. I would have understood if he had to go but I'm so glad god let him stay with us. Love you so much Matthew. As I held him in my arms at the hospital I just knew he would choose to stay with us if that was god's choice and he is now doing so well, he is a happy child.

3.

I never really gave death much thought until I thought I may die from drugs or kill myself so I could stop using. Now hoping I will die of old age and not by something I caused, I live my life better than before. I know what makes me happy and I try to do those things. Being around my family and my boyfriend's family makes me feel close to earth and god. I know I will die and no one knows how, I just hope I don't cause someone else too much pain or have to suffer much myself.

Your soul never ends you live in others.

4.

My deepest hope is to be in my lovely husbands arms and pass away in my sleep knowing my children and family are able to care for themselves and will miss me but not too much to know I will live on in their hearts.

My deepest fear is that I will die before I have a family as in children and a husband and that it will be very painful and I will be alone (as in no one physically there for me). I know god and my angels will be there even if it's painful or all of a sudden and I didn't get to do everything I wanted to do.